9 Symptoms of Relational Trauma
9 Symptoms of Relational Trauma
Relational trauma is a lesser known type of trauma. I will explain more in detail but first, let’s briefly examine trauma. Trauma is real, and for those of us who have experienced it, it follows us wherever we go whether we want it to or not. The best part about it is that we are powerful beyond measure and can do the work it takes so that the trauma is not trapped in our system anymore. But if trauma goes untreated, it stays stored in the body and can affect the way you show up relationally.
Trauma is defined as an event that is too overwhelming for someone- their body and mind- to process. There are several types of trauma including acute trauma (from a single stressful or dangerous event), chronic (from repeated or prolonged exposure to extremely stressful events) or complex trauma (from exposure to multiple traumatic events). Traumas are usually indicated as big ‘T’ trauma such as physical or sexual abuse or little ‘t’ trauma such as bullying, death of an animal, or the ending of a relationship. We have all been affected by trauma in some form or another and it doesn’t matter whether it is a big ‘T’ or little ‘t’ trauma, it negatively affects those who experience it.
There is a lesser known type of trauma called relational trauma. There is childhood and adulthood relational trauma and it is interpersonal in nature. Childhood relational trauma has its roots in events that happened in childhood when the parent/caregiver and child relationship had been interrupted or disrupted where the child did not feel safe or loved. These primary relationships affect all subsequent relationships that come after.
Those who suffer from adult relational trauma may have had some childhood relational trauma, however, it is their experiences as an adult that cause the relational trauma. If you have been in any sort of relationship, then you have experienced some form of relational trauma.
Relational trauma is an after effect of some type of harm such as neglect, abuse, enmeshment, repeated rejection or boundary violations; there are a number of ways it can happen. It occurs when there is a difference in power dynamics such as parent/child, teacher/student, boss/employee or doctor/patient; and or it is caused by someone we know, trust or rely upon.
Other causes of relational trauma are: going through a break up and your ex starts to date your best friend, getting fired from a job, your partner never gives you a compliment, staying in a relationship long past its expiration date, a friend betrayal, or physical or emotional abuse. While all of these experiences are painful, some people are better able to cope with them than others. There are a number of variables involved with the impact of relational trauma such as your relationship to the person in question, the amount of outside support one has or the amount of life challenges outside the relational trauma, however, what one person experiences as a traumatic event another will not. Those who are more affected likely had major childhood relational trauma. Whatever incident occurred, it serves as an in the moment trigger which causes a strong emotional response. Suffers of relational trauma have a lot of unresolved feelings which can affect their current relationship and makes it challenging to begin new ones. It can complicate every aspect of a person’s social life, based on their inability to feel safe and secure when making interpersonal connections or forming attachments.
Here are some symptoms of relational trauma:
1.Lack of self-esteem, self-worth, confidence
This is a big one. You have a distorted sense of self. This stems from parents being critical, demanding or aloof. There was constant criticism as a child or in a past relationship. If you had an unwell parent, you blame yourself for not being better or smarter to make your parent well.
If we had inconsistent attachment figures, we begin to internalize that we are ‘not good enough’ to get our needs met or see ourselves as being unlovable. If there’s a continued sense of not getting our needs met, one can begin to feel that people are undependable and therefore not trustworthy.
2. Fear of abandonment
Your behavior reflects fear that people will leave you. You may find that you stay in relationships past their expiration date for you fear ending the relational contact. If people don’t get back to you when you call and leave a message or text, you fear they don’t like you. This is a result of physical abandonment of a parent or unavailable or emotionally distant parents.
3. Hyper-vigilance
You do not feel safe in most relationships and constantly monitor your safety in them. You watch other’s moods and change your mood to meet theirs as you try to avoid conflict. As a child, you may have felt responsible for your parents happiness because your parent/caregiver was sad and depressed a lot. As a result, you pretended to be happy all the time even if you felt sad or anxious. You will tend to avoid feeling your feelings so as to avoid conflict.
4. Difficulty regulating emotion
You are ruled by your emotions and can easily have strong emotional responses to situations.
5. Difficulty maintaining relationships
Trust, insecurity, isolating, avoiding, fear, guilt and shame are some challenges that resulted from the relational rupture.
6. Responsibility for others feelings
You may feel the need to take the responsibility for other people’s emotional well being. You may have a hard time saying no because you are concerned about pleasing others.
7. Perfectionism
This is perfectionism in the sense of if it is not perfect, you feel like a failure. This keeps you in a comfort zone and from trying new things for fear of failure. In childhood, you may have been told that you can’t do anything right and that it was not ok to make mistakes.
8. Boundary challenges
You have a hard time setting healthy boundaries due to your parent or caregiver’s enmeshed parenting style. The enmeshment made it hard for you to pinpoint exactly where your own needs, desires, and emotions ended and where those of your partner or another begin.
9. Independence
Healthy independence is important, however, this type of independence stems from the underlying belief that ‘I am on my own.’ There is fear that others cannot or will not help and its shameful of you to ask so you have to figure it out on your own. Because of this, there might be feelings of loneliness or isolation and even shame.
If you see yourself with any of the above symptoms of relational trauma, know that healing is possible no matter the traumatic experience. Having happy, healthy fulfilling relationships is a gift. And, all healthy relationships require work. But without understanding the dynamics of how early painful childhood experiences or painful adult experiences can become the unconscious driver for repeating the same kinds of dysfunctional patterns, we can easily bring the most painful parts of our past into our relationships today. And we won’t even recognize what we’re doing.
We all have a need to feel safe in our relationships. We need to feel safe to be sad or hurt, to make mistakes, to be grumpy, and to say no. If you don’t feel safe, or if any of the above examples created an emotional reaction (a trigger) inside of you, it might be helpful to seek some help. It’s important to work through the events that lead to your strong emotional reactions, negative beliefs about yourself and others. I am a firm believer that healing is possible no matter what the traumatic experience.
* * Receive Relational Trauma Self-Inquiry Mini Workbook to help you work through some of its challenges.
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Jennevieve Ybarra
jennevieveybarra.com
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